Our annual Slade trip

[blazerbrad]

Full trail report to come, but we just had our annual fall trip down to Slade this last weekend. Friday was spent on what I call the regular trail area (Widowmaker, Slider, Rattlesnake, Carb, etc...). On Saturday we had Charles Booth guide us around. I had never ridden on any of these trails and included Attention Getter, Hairpin, Upper and Lower Staircase and a few other obstacles that I don't know if they are named or not.

Attention Getter looked to have not been tried in quite awhile, and Charles stated that he hadn't seen anybody on it in awhile. 78Buford was able to make it with the combination of the long wheelbase, 460, and 42" tires. The only other vehicle to try was the mucho-modified Sami with around 100" wheelbase, close to 400 HP 302, and 35's. After a couple of attempts he wound up laying on the roof. A couple minutes to winch him over and a ratchet strap to hold the hood down was all that was needed to get him going. Didn't even have to add any fluids.

When I get the chance I will write up more.

[blazerbrad]

Rattlesnake (think some have a different name, but as you are climbing up to Carb). Not stuck, just didn't feel like backing down:


78Buford


Carb




Not sure if this is named or not. First trail Booth took us on.

[blazerbrad]

Attention Getter:

This is after we pushed him off his top, but had to use a winch to pull it back on the wheels.


78Buford, made it first try:


First section of Hairpin


Upper section after the sharp turn. My steering box started leaking really bad and I lost power assist. Decided to winch to get out of the way.


Who needs a flexy suspension, just get an articulating frame.


He drove out of this unassisted:

[gothodgie]

looks like it was a great weekend.
great weather for november wheelin.

[KargoMaster]

Rattlesnake looks WAAY deeper than it used to by that tree...






This Jacob's Ladder??

Cool pics... Can't wait for Roy's writeup...


Is Roy's actually articulated at the frame or just torquing that much...?? Cool either way.

[boomhauer]

Originally Posted by KargoMaster

Rattlesnake looks WAAY deeper than it used to by that tree...






This Jacob's Ladder??

Cool pics... Can't wait for Roy's writeup...


Is Roy's actually articulated at the frame or just torquing that much...?? Cool either way.

yes, it is way deeper than last time you were there and if it is wet...good luck. and yes that was jacob's ladder.

am just glad you all got charles to take you around instead of being like other's out there that just take it upon themselves to ride his PRIVATE PROPERTY without even asking. that shows a great deal of repect to me on your crew's behalf. thank you.

[RD TRCTR]

The first part of Rattle Snake is a real good tire and torque test when wet.

I think the second part has a minimal 42 inch tire when wet.

What's the trail to the right when coming up Rattle Snake like (maybe called Totem Pole)? We never try it as Carb Hill is to the left and we know what we're getting.

[carwash]

At the top of rattlesnake, if you turn right instead of left to carbureator, it just runs you back down to the main trail, right around the creek area.

[blazerbrad]

Rattlesnake: it's changed a lot since my first trip there about 5 years ago. The first several years the hole on the left side was a little further up the trail right before the bend and really deep so you could Y to the right of the tree. The last couple of years the line to the left wasn't nearly as bad, but this year it looks like somebody sat there spinning their tires for about 10 minutes. There is a huge tire sized hole that the left rear hits as the right front is climbing a steep ridge. The hole bottoms out the rear diff hard. The right line now requires some really big tires and horsepower as it's deep mud and than a extremely steep 5' high ledge. Last year 78Buford couldn't even get his front tires to climb that ledge.

Yep, if you Y off to the right after Rattlesnake that takes you back down. We've used that trail quite a few times when people didn't want to climb Carb.

Jacob's Ladder: didn't get a chance to see what Booth called this place. Had a cool little optional ledge further back, then it looks like a smaller version of Carb.

78Buford frame flex: yes, it's frame flex from articulating. It does the same thing on an RTI ramp....actually has a pretty good score even though the springs themselves hardly move. I will say that it can put the power to the ground.

We'll definitely be contacting Charles Booth the next time we are down there. He's a really nice guy and did a great job of leading us around. You didn't feel like you were rushed but he also didn't pitter-patter around.

Lower Staircase has to be the most impressive looking hill I have ever seen just because of it's sheer size, though 78Buford and the green YJ on Boggers walked up it fairly easy.

Weather was extremely nice, though the ride to the trails in the morning for the open top vehicles was a little "brisk".

[sarge]

Originally Posted by carwash

At the top of rattlesnake, if you turn right instead of left to carbureator, it just runs you back down to the main trail, right around the creek area.

This is the only obstical on the trail to the right ,it is about half way back down to the main trail. It was raining and super wet when Truggy and I went this spring . Jon tried to squeeze around it and almost ended up on his lid .

[KargoMaster]

Yeah, that's Totem Pole alright...

Boomie, didn't you cut that trail with your (then pretty much stock) Black Toyota??

Still waitin' on Roy to entertain us with his usual literary verve.

[boomhauer]

Originally Posted by KargoMaster

Yeah, that's Totem Pole alright...

Boomie, didn't you cut that trail with your (then pretty much stock) Black Toyota??

Still waitin' on Roy to entertain us with his usual literary verve.

it is still stock for the moment but is gonna make a killer rig on 1 tons 1 day!

no, i cut the trail on the left of rattlesnake ( the bypass) with the taco. was a little to wet one day for it to make rattlesnake so i just started running over trees until i came out above the curve. the front bumper still has not been fixed...lol !!!

[blazerbrad]

On one picture above a couple have said the obstacle/hill is called Jacob's Ladder. Roy (78Buford) thought that Booth had called it Holiday Hill, and it matches the description we had heard before (smaller version of Carb). Here is another picture:

[KargoMaster]

I've also heard of Holiday Hill... I thought that was one part of the greater Jacob's Ladder area... who knows.

Sounds like you guys had a blast... and with good pics to boot...

More than I can say for myself in the last 4 years...

[Redriverranger]

Holiday hill/Jacobs ladder are both the same trail.

[humpy]

Originally Posted by Redriverranger

Holiday hill/Jacobs ladder are both the same trail.

you gonna be down there for thanksgiving???

[78Buford]

Thanks for the clarification guys (that the different names refer to the same trail).

I have a report completed, but may have to space it out into multiple posts. It is a bit wordy.

Roy

[78Buford]

I tried to submit the report. I received this message:

The following errors occurred when this message was submitted:

The text that you have entered is too long (91299 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long.

The post is 9.1299 times more text than is allowed (in one post) on the site. Not only would it literally take 10 posts, it would take quite a while to divvy it up. Maybe a mod can temporarily lift this character limit.

I'm just glad to be finished with it. When I last ran it through Word Count, it was 17,171 words.

Is it worth taking time out of a busy schedule to read? Not likely. Is it worth printing out at work & reading it on the sheeter? Maybe.



Roy

[Redriverranger]

Originally Posted by humpy

you gonna be down there for thanksgiving???

That's the plan.

[carwash]

christ man, you wrote a screen play, not a trip report.

you have too much time on your hands.

[carwash]

Limit is lifted, post your book.

[tjjeepjeep]

Originally Posted by carwash

Limit is lifted, post your book.

Thanks for the assist...

[78Buford]

Chapter 1: The Drive Down

I awoke at my customary 5:50 am. I made coffee, took Bowser outside, did some pushups, and said goodbye to my wife as she left at 7:40 am. I planned on leaving at 9:00 am. At approximately 8:00 am, Brad called and advised that as he was giving the Blazer a final inspection late last night he discovered a broken motor mount bolt. The bolt was over 5" long and he had to wait until the local hardware store opened this morning to obtain another one. He said he would be running later than anticipated. He said he’d call once he was ready to hit the road.

I pulled out of my driveway at 9:00 as planned. I threw in a couple new ATV and truck magazines for reading material while I’d be waiting for Brad. I drove the 1.5 hours to the meeting point: The Flyin’ J truck stop at exit 69 on I-71 South. Yeah, I was meeting up with a guy at a truck stop at the 69 exit…think what you want. I arrived around 10:30 am & called Brad. He guessed that he was 45 minutes to an hour away. I said I’d wait in the parking lot & we could grab some truck stop grub once he arrived. He showed up in the Chevy with the Blazer in tow around 11:30. After doing my best to eat semi-healthy at a truck stop buffet, we hit the road around noon.

We made out annual stop at the gas station in Sadieville. For me, this is the 231 mile mark of a 305 mile trip. After filling up, we were on the last leg of the journey. After a minor delay on the interstate due to a traffic accident, we arrived at Lil Abners at 3:45 pm.

Chapter 2: Friday Night

We checked into the hotel. We each paid the $198 for three days…not too bad.

Brad’s father Ron showed up a short time later in his Grand Cherokee as Brad’s room mate. For the record, Ron would be riding with Brad in the Blazer, not wheeling the clean white Grand Cherokee. I shook Ron’s hand and advised that I shouldn’t have any trouble remembering his name since it was only one letter different than my own. Mike Lambert showed up a while later & gave me a $100 bill for his half of the room. I had brought my crock pot and ingredients to make chili in the hotel room. (In retrospect, Lambert may have sought another room mate if he knew this before hand.) Here is the recipe for "Roy’s Motel Chili"

2 lbs 99% lean ground turkey (cooked in the hotel microwave—Brad provided microwave programming assistance)
1 large 46 oz. can of Campbells low sodium tomato juice
1 15 oz. can of chili beans
1 15 oz. can of pork & beans
1 whole white onion (didn’t have a knife…tore it into tiny pieces by hand…yes I washed them)
1 bottle of Tobasco (2 oz)
Quite a bit chili powder
Quite a bit of cumin

If I were making this at home I’d use dry beans in a bag cooked separately (a lot less sodium vs. canned beans), but this wasn’t practical. Some "extra special hot sauce" would have been added, but I wanted to keep this edible for the general population. We were here to wheel, not challenge Emeril to a show-down. Brad commented on the "bling" crock-pot. With the chili simmering, we had a few beers and BS’d about the upcoming weekend.

Brent, Jim Lockert & family, along with several others arrived later in the evening. Lambert brought a high end lap-top that his son had picked up for him. Mike's son is an electrical whiz and is moving quite high up the ladder in the military. Later in the evening, I two-wayed my wife (with my phone, not pulling a train…get your minds out of gutter guys) on my Nextel. I said a few R-rated things jokingly to Valerie that I’ll keep out of the report. One of those involved a 13" member and I’m not talking about ring gear measurements. She suggested a picture be taken. Not long after, Lambert took a picture…no, not of that. He took a picture of Brent, Brad and I, downloaded it, resized it, and moments later it was up on the wife’s screen at home. In the picture, Brent looks like Satan’s spawn, Brad looks semi-normal, and I look like something may be wrong with me.



There may be a reason for this. Anyway, she laughed. Sometime after 9:00 pm, everyone scattered and retired to their respective rooms.

Chapter 3: The Group Assembles




Mike Lambert typically gets up between 4:00 am and 5:00 am. He awoke at his usual time. Over the course of the previous evening, I had consumed a large amount of chili, pork rhinds, beer, and fat free sour cream. At approximately 6:00 am, I awoke to what sounded like a fog-horn. Lambert was sitting on his bed drinking coffee and surfing the internet. The look on his face and wrinkle of his nose let me know that the fog-horn sound had come from my side of the room. Along with it came a foul reminder of the previous evening’s feast.

Brad’s father Ron brought a large portable propane cooking stove/griddle/burner device. I cracked, separated, and cooked 12 jumbo eggs whites for breakfast. I had brought some instant Maxwell House coffee for the trip. I had one cup of that, and Lambert offered some brewed coffee that tasted significantly better.

Howard & Andy arrived. Milliron arrived. Others arrived. Andy walked over & we shook hands. Andy started laughing and the first thing he said was, "Dude my arm hurt for a month after last year!" I started laughing also and said that it hurt to steer my truck on the way home, and it hurt for several days after that. For those wondering what we were talking about: Last year, on the last night of our trip, several of us started arm wrestling. After Andy & I both disposed of all other contestants, we engaged in a series of hard fought matches. I’ll save details of that for another time. Andy & Howard work together, and I hadn’t seen either of them for a year. We BS’d for a few minutes. Eventually, everyone that was supposed to show up did, and they all arrived in a timely manner. We had a total of 13 rigs.

Chapter 4: Lucky 13



Yours truly: Buford on D60, D70-U, 42’s w/ 4 bbl 469 V8
Brad & Ron: Blazer on D60, 14 bolt, 39.5’s w/ 6.2 diesel
Lambert: Willy’s Jeep on stock axles, 33’s w/ 2 bbl 3.8 Buick
Stroud & boys: Sami on Toyota axles, 35’s w/ 4 bbl 5.0 VHO Ford (Very High Output)
Larry: Sami on Toyota axles, 36’s w/ 4.3 Vortec efi
Brent: YJ on D60, D60, 37’s w/ 4.0 efi
Norm w/ Ernie: YJ on Dynatrac D60, Dynatrac D60, 37’s w/ 4.0 efi
Jim & Louanne: Early Bronco on D44, 9", 36’s w/ 351 2bbl
Howard & Andy: Sami on stock axles, 31’s w/ stock 1.not-a-lot liter 1bbl
Rinnert & dogs: TJ on D30, D44, 34’s w/ 4.0 efi
Paul & Mark: CJ5 on D44, D44, 37’s w/ 350 4bbl
Milliron: TJ on D30, D35, 34’s w/ 4.0 efi
Rick & Harley: Early Bronco on D44, 9", 38’s w/ 302 4 bbl
All rigs had dual lockers (or equivalent). Seven rigs with old school carburetors, five with efi and one diesel. I find it slightly amusing and worth noting that carbureted rigs outnumbered the efi rigs.

*****Disclaimer: Before the actual trail report starts, I’d like to note that this year’s turnout for the ride was twice the size (or more) of the past two years. I do not claim to know exactly how everyone managed to make it (or not make it), or who made it up/through every single obstacle. In addition to having 13 rigs, we were not together at all times. I am 100% certain that there are things that I missed/wasn’t made aware of later. If I leave out something noteworthy please rest assured that it was not intentional. Anyone should feel free to add their own info to this report and/or write their own.*****

We headed to the gas station which is less than a mile from the motel. People filled up. I bought two bottles of water and a Diet Pepsi Max. We headed to the trails.

After a brief discussion it was determined that we would all head to Slider as a single group. After that, we would discuss possibly splitting up into two groups. I aired Buford’s non-beadlocked 42’s down to 8 psi front and 3 psi rear. This is as low as I go. Traction at 8psi in the front is noticeably better than at the 10-12 psi "easy trails pressure" but the steering can be more difficult at the lower setting.

Chapter 5: Slider

I’m guessing that Slider received it’s name many years ago when it wasn’t rutted up so badly. In 2005 it was a single two-track hill that was primarily mud with a few outcroppings of rocks. Back then the gameplan was pretty simple: Ride the ruts and hope you had enough tire size and wheel speed to get to the top. In 2005, I had the tires but not the wheel speed due to a then-dying 460 engine, and was denied. In years since, wheel speed is no longer an issue for this trail. Over the years it has changed. The most noteworthy changes are the fact that there are many more exposed rock ledges, and the top of the trail has widened significantly. The fact that the top has widened quite a bit gives the driver a choice of lines (left, middle, right), but due to the roughly 2.5’ rock ledges it also presents the distinct possibility of rolling over sideways/backwards if one gets sideways or out of shape (IE: backing up and one wheel drops in a hole) near the top. At the base of the trail I gave Milliron a description, noting there was a flat spot near the top that can have mud in it. This area seems out of place on a hill, but it is there. We also removed Milliron’s front license plate as it was crooked and about to fall off. It was battered to shiznit, and would certainly make a good mantle piece in a wheeler’s living room.

Slider:


Jim Lockert was leading the ride, and I was second. At the base of the hill I asked LuAnne if she was going to film it. She laughed and said she would if they made it to the top. In the middle of the hill (basically at the spot that it becomes challenging) there is a bypass to the right. The bypass is very steep but it looked to be fairly smooth and doesn’t have the rocks to deal with at the top. Jim went up Slider first. I was in the middle of the trail and watched him spin his tires for a bit and do some wiggling/adjusting at the top, but he made it quickly to the top. I went next and Buford’s big fat squishy tires allowed the truck to get to the top with minimal fuss. I believe that Lambert, Howard, maybe Milliron (I know he parked on the bypass side at the top and we were discussing the trail) and possibly others took the bypass. Milliron said that he expected a larger "flat spot" where the muddy area was located. Brent got into the aforementioned "out of shape" position where rolling backwards/sideways was a possibility. He winched to the top. For the rest of the group: some people made the trail look easy, some made it look exciting. Bryan Rinnert fell into the latter category. Rinnert bounced from the left to the middle, and then to the right side before making it up. He had both of his dogs in the back of the Jeep, and after Bryan made it to the top and parked, the lighter colored/short haired dog walked over in front of Brad, Stroud’s boys, and yours truly. Several people were looking at the dog & laughing that he may have had the shiznit scared out of him. As if on cue, the canine humped up and left a large steaming deposit right in the middle of where we were standing. After the laughter subsided, Brad partially covered the pile with some sticks in order to prevent others from stepping into it.

In one fashion or another, all 13 rigs had made it to the top of the first obstacle.

After a brief discussion of Last Chance, it was determined that we would simply avoid it. Why? Because realistically speaking, none of us had any chance to get up it. For those wondering what it’s like, I’ll cut/paste a brief excerpt from the 2008 Slade KY report. For those who were there, or already read that, or already know what it looks like, simply skip chapter six.

Chapter 6: Last Chance (2008):

Last Chance is a short trail with two large rocks in the middle of a steep ravine. In 2005, I could get Buford over the first rock, and could get the front tires to the second undercut rock, but did not have enough wheel speed to come close to getting the front to climb the rock (which is in an absolute muddy mess of a ravine). In 2007 the ledges looked larger than they did in 2005 due to erosion. In 2008, I made it over the first rock on the first attempt. Howard was spotting my front end at the second rock. I tried various angles to get the nose onto the second rock, and it seemed like I had a slightly better chance than 2007, but it wasn’t meant to be. Like several obstacles I’ve ran into in the past, I had the thought that, "If I could get the nose on it, back up to where the front wheels were at the edge, and stomp the go pedal, I’d have a good chance of making it." Theory means little when you cannot even get the front of your rig onto an obstacle. I simply did not have enough approach angle. I backed down out of the way in defeat.

Norm went next and promptly got the YJ nose up onto the second rock by hugging the tree on the left. He did this without any drama. Once he had the nose onto the ledge he hit the throttle a few times, and ended up getting into a position where he couldn’t back down from the obstacle out due to the possibility of rolling. Norm doesn’t have a winch, so I walked back down the hill, started Buford and drove to the top in order to pull him up the hill. Brad and Steve also got the front of their rigs over the ledge without any trouble, but neither could get the rear to climb over. It had started raining at this point as well. If I remember correctly, Steve winched over the rock. I tried pulling Brad over the rock, but his driver door jam got caught on the tree (left side), and caused significant damage. I kept the tow strap tight while his winch was spooled out to a tree further up the trail. Brad winched himself to the top. Jim and Howard didn’t attempt this obstacle. We left this area and Last Chance had defeated all of our rigs. Buford waddled away thinking that he needs a chin lift in order to hang with Brad, Steve, and Norm in the future, as all three of those rigs have a superior approach angle…and they at least had a chance to conquer this obstacle.

Chapter 7: Separate Ways

Back to the present, I’d like to mention one other note regarding Last Chance. Someone mentioned a guy named Casey that that has a very well built rig on Rockwells with 49" tires, and that he could not get his rig to climb Last Chance. I cannot vouch for the validity of that claim, but it is worth noting. Also, it would not be the last time that we would hear of the man named Casey & his rig with 49’s.
After approximately half an hour of trail riding through the woods, we arrived at the bottom of a steep trail. Turn left for Widowmaker. Turn right for Little Widowmaker.

Chapter 8: Widowmaker

Jim, Brad, yours truly, and Brent turned left.

Lambert said over the CB that he didn’t want to run Widowmaker in the Willy’s. I thought he’d have a chance based on tire size, as Howard ran it with his Sami last year on 31’s. He said he’d check out Granny’s Hatbox and if it looked like he remembered, he’d be turning around at that point. The five of us started up the trail. Things were slow moving, but steady. No one had any major drama reaching Granny’s Hatbox. This section is the widest area of this trail, and there are a few options on how to proceed. Lambert advised, "The Willy’s is not going through there." He hung out to watch.

I would describe the lines as far left, up the middle and far right. While that sounds simple, the left and middle lines are pretty much "straight on" lines. If one takes the far right, it would require angling to the right at the beginning, a sharp left turn in the middle of the line, and if successful one would end up at the top in the center of the trail. Picture the letter "C" backwards and you will understand how the far right line would look.

Jim tried the far left and the middle line multiple times but could not get the front bumper over the largest rock ledge. Unlike some obstacles we took pictures of over the weekend, I’m not aware of getting any with someone standing in front of this ledge…we should have. I’d guess it to be about 3’ tall (without stacking rocks in front of it). Brad later commented that his father looked at it and basically wondered what in the hell we were doing on this trail as he didn’t see how someone could drive a vehicle through the mess. It should be noted that Ron has been on a couple trail rides with Brad several years ago. Those rides were in Ohio where mud & greasy hills were the primary obstacles. Jim eventually got into an awkward position on the far right and ended up sitting sideways. This wasn’t a precarious situation (he wasn’t in danger of rolling) but it isn’t where he wanted to be. By the time he got the Bronco out of the odd spot, he was facing backwards on the trail. He pulled out of the way for me.

I certainly do not consider myself as the ultimate pilot behind the wheel. Some would say that I’m a throttle jockey. I may lean that way on occasion. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I get a little impatient and sometimes resort to the go-pedal approach when simply planning a different line is all that would have been needed. With that in mind, I had it in my head that I’d try to go through this as "graceful" as I could.

I approached what I’d consider the middle line at a slight angle where the driver side front tire would hit the rock before the right would. On the first approach, my bumper hit hard and I was stopped. Brad spotted me. I reversed a couple feet and adjusted the line. The bottom of the bumper was rubbing the rock, but I was able to "slowly force my way" over them for lack of a better term. With the nose up on the ledge, rather than my usual "the front is up, let’s bounce the rear over" approach, I used my newfound patience and crawled (or as close to one can crawl with a low range ratio of less than 20-1) over the ledge. I drove ahead, parked, got out and walked back to watch the others.

Brad drove through Granny’s Hatbox quickly and without issues. I’m pretty sure that he did not have to stop or reverse at any point. Brad's Blazer has a significantly better approach angle than my Ford. The point being that if I can get Buford's nose over something, Brad is most certainly able to do so.

Brent went next and we directed him to the same line that had worked for Brad and I. It didn’t take long for Brent to get the front end onto the obstacle. His front tires rubbed the fender flares a few times when turned. It sounded bad but did not cause any harm. After getting into a decent position we advised Brent to bump the rear over. The first attempt or two resulted in lifting off the throttle too early and the rear would not climb. After a few tries and maintaining throttle when the rear tires hit the rocks, the YJ was up and over the Hatbox. After seeing the line that worked for all three of us, Jim got back into the Bronco, turned it around (it was still facing the opposite direction), and made his way back to the ledge. After a bit of wiggling and adjusting (of his vehicle, not something else), Jim had the Bronco up and over the Hatbox. Mike Lambert said he was heading back the way he came and would meet up with us in a bit. The rest of Widowmaker was relatively uneventful. This was Brent’s first time on this trail. I believe it was Brad’s third time, my fourth, and Jim had been on it many times. Brent asked about the rest of the trail. I told him the only issue I had was the "skinny" place on up ahead where I have to put the driver side of my pile very high up on a rock in order to make it fit through. When we got to this spot, I did my usual routine and it worked as it had in the past. Brad had to adjust lines a couple times here (to get higher on the driver side), and he was through. Jim and Brent’s rigs are narrower (Jim’s more so than Brent’s) so they did not have to get quite as high up the rock on the driver side. For those reading, while it may feel tippy in the rig, it isn’t scary unless one fears body damage. I say this because there is a huge rock on the passenger side. IE: If you did get the driver side wheels off the ground here, you wouldn’t go very far; the rock on the passenger side would stop the rig from falling over. I spotted Jim and Brent once or twice in a couple spots on the way out, but everyone made it without winching or being pulled.

It was a little after noon on Friday. Some of us had lunch. We heard that Milliron and someone else (I believe it was Rinnert) suffered significant tie rod damage on Little Widowmaker. At some point on Saturday, Milliron left the trails and went home for the weekend. Friday’s lunch consisted of two cans of Polar Tuna in Water with a liberal dose of Tobasco. The label on the can says that Polar is the best tuna and I personally agree. It costs a little more, but one gets three servings of quality tuna. I am a tuna connoisseur and I can tell you that cheaper brands only have 2.5 servings or two servings out of an identical sized can. Other unscrupulous brands add additional water and salt as filler. They don’t fool me though. Lambert and a few others made comments that I was really eating cat food. I don’t recall actually trying cat food in the past. I have tried Bowser's (my beloved Beagle dog) dry dog food. It’s not bad at all. Good enough for Bowser, good enough for me. I digress. Others finished their more traditional lunches that consisted primarily of sandwiches & chips.

Widowmaker:






Chapter 9: Little Widowmaker

While others were finishing their lunch, I drove up the trail alone with the intention of running Little Widowmaker backwards. I wasn’t sure if people were still on the trail or not. Along the way I found a steep descent off to the left that led into the latter part of Little Widowmaker. I drove slightly past this and backed down the hill as it was much easier than trying to turn around & drive down it due to it’s angle of intersection with the narrow shelf trail that I was on. I was pretty sure I could climb it, it was just a matter of how much throttle would be necessary. On a scale of 1-10, it only required a 1.5. After I drove up the hill I had just descended, I followed the shelf trail to the end of Little Widowmaker. I turned left to access it and ran it "backwards." In the middle I found Norm’s YJ with Ernie at the helm fidgeting around in an area with two obstacles in roughly the same place: a huge stump and a large rock. After a short time, they had it moving again. The rock was loose and on my passenger side. The stump was on my left. I probably could have avoided the large rock, but I drove the passenger side front tire over it for fun. It moved around and I landed (hard) on it. This was a good test for the primitive Roy-Designed/Lambert-Built rocker guards. For those wondering about this magic contraption, it is thick steel pipe wedged & then welded into the OEM seam under Buford's cab. In summary, they work just fine. Brad and I ran this trail to the end without further incident.

We were back in the creek bed. I got out for a minute and talked to Bryan Rinnert about his dogs. They were both friendly and I like most dogs better than a lot of people that I meet. Brad mentioned running the trail in the opposite direction. This sounded fine to me.

Brad went first & I followed. Brad got hung up on the large loose rock. Actually he wasn’t stuck on it, it was stuck under his rig. The rock was approximately the size of an old school (1999-ish) 32" portable TV. It was shaped irregular, and when the tall side was upright it was causing problems. Brad could still move forwards and in reverse, but the possibility of damaging something under the rig was mounting with each forward-reverse maneuver. Eventually, Brad was able to back off of it. Ron, Brad, and myself were able to move the rock (somewhat) by hand. Brad changed lines and got past the rock. With quick spotting, I was able to get around this area with minimal fuss. The rest of the trail was uneventful. Brad took the exit that I had previously backed down/drove up. I tried a new line. It was approximately 100 feet before the well established & rutted exit. What I tried looked like a quad trail...something had slid down it. It was smooth but crazy steep. I tried it with increasing throttle. I’d power about half way up it, then quickly slide back down to the main trail. I had my foot on the floor a few times. Wheel speed was impressive, but I never came close to making it. I ventured ahead and exited via the well established outlet point. I met up with Lambert, Brad and some of the others. I said I’d like to head to Rattlesnake and Carburetor Hill. The others stated that was already the plan. We headed out. It was approximately 1:30 pm on Friday November 6, 2009. We were making excellent time thus far.

Chapter 10: Rattlesnake

Rattlesnake is an uphill deeply rutted trail that places the driver side of the rig down in a ravine for most of the trail. At the top of the trail there are two options. The left line used to be (2005) the difficult side. It was a deep V section. If one were able to perfectly straddle this section it would be a smooth ride. If one weren’t perfect with wheel placement, the rig would fall violently into the embankment on one side or the other. In the spring of 2005, I did just that. I was most of the way through it and flopped on the driver side. I had to be yanked (hard) backwards by Brad's Blazer to get out of it. Since I'm on this little trip down memory lane, Brad's rig had 38's at the time, and Buford had a full bed along with 1000 pounds of spare parts in said bed. Lugie/Pete, AKA Dirty Peter nearly ended up on my lap when we flopped into the ravine back in '05. Both of us were laughing like idiots. Ah, the good old days. Anyway...in 2005 I was able up the right side. At the time the right side was considered the bypass. It wasn’t easy, but it was do-able. Back then the far left "cheater bypass" was just being formed. This avoided the obstacle all together. In 2007, the left V-notch was filled in quite a bit and relatively easy. In 2008, the right line was the most challenging line and none of us could get up it. In 2008 I (and everyone else who made it) went up the left line. In 2008, I tried the right line but did not come close to making it. There is a huge vertical wall in the middle of what is effectively a year-round mud pit. I hit it at wide open throttle. I didn’t make it then, but I did hit it hard enough to make Buford’s CD player break the mounting tabs & fall back into the dash. Now that the description is out of the way, here is what happened in November 2009:

Lambert went up the far left bypass early on because he was taking pictures. Lockert was leading the group (that was down in the ravine). Brad was second. I was third. Brent was behind me, and Rick (Turtle) was behind him. Jim drove to the fork in the trail. I do not know which line he tried, because I couldn’t see. I do know that after a few minutes I observed Brad’s reverse lights. I backed all the way down as did Brad. Jim took the far left bypass. Brad went next and tried the more difficult right line. He managed to get his front tires almost to the base of the wall (we looked at the tire marks later). He tried the left line. The left line is best described as this: The driver side stays low in a rutted ravine for the entire section of trail. There is a tall (above the roof) solid dirt wall on the driver side for the entire length (approximately 100 feet) of this section of the trail. On the passenger side of the trail there are a couple short but fairly tall "raised sections" of the trail. The problem with this is two-fold. The "raised sections" are caused from rigs having their progress halted and spinning the tires, digging down where they stop. This also leaves "bumps" in the center of the trail (from the stuck rig's diffs sinking into the ground). When the passenger side tires hit these sections, it forces the driver side of the rig into the embankment, providing more resistance and halting progress. Also, the ruts are deep, so large tires are of obvious benefit. After several tries, Brad could not get through the left side. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t stuck, he just didn’t want to make others back down the trail/take the bypass. The Blazer’s Ramsey 9500 winch cable was drawn out, hooked up, and the Blazer was soon over this section. The winch was only needed for roughly a single Blazer-length pull.

I’ve wheeled since 2001 and have wheeled Buford since 2003. I am a fairly good judge of "do I have a realistic chance to make it" before I ever attempt an obstacle. When looking at the left line of Rattlesnake, I did not expect to have any major drama in getting through it. I actually looked at it quite a bit as I was surprised that Brad had to winch through the section with 39.5" tires. I looked at it closely and wondered, "Am I missing something here?" Yeah, I have 42's, but they were aired down quite a bit more than Brad’s 39.5's, and I doubt that they were providing any significant amount of increased clearance under the diffs. It could have been having the front diff on the driver side vs. Brad’s Chevy having his on the right side. My educated guess is that the longer wheelbase and (possibly) lack of bed/rear sheet metal were my real world advantages. I’m guessing that Brad’s front & rear tires were hitting the "bumps" in the trail at the same time & mine were able to hit them one set at a time. In summary, this section of trail did not look particularly intimidating, and I didn’t have any issues getting through it. I bumped the throttle when the front end met the first rise on the passenger side. Buford managed to get through this section at a speed I’d equate to a "quick waddle." Picture an obsese man that has a strong desire to get to the restroom quickly as possible. He is walking as quickly as he can, but he doesn't want to draw attention to himself by running. If that thought disturbs the reader (or excites the reader), accept my condolences in advance.

I parked ahead. I would later find out (and I was quite surprised) that Buford would be the only rig to get through this section of the trail without winching. Keep that statement in mind for day # 2. On day #2 there would be one obstacle that I thought was right up Buford’s alley...and no one else’s. If we are honest with ourselves, we all get a kick out of being the only one to be able to do something. On a scale of 1-10, (1 being whoop-de-do & 10 being that one’s head is so swollen that it may burst) I’d rate Buford’s solo conquest of Rattlesnake in 2009 as a 2 out of 10.

I know that Brent was down in the left side of the ravine and tried multiple times. Brent has fullsize Dana 60’s with H2 wheels so he was a little narrower than Brad’s Blazer & my Ford. The 37" BFG’s packed up with mud pretty quickly and Brent’s progress was halted. I am not 100% sure, but I believe that he winched vs. taking the far left bypass. I do not know how Turtle in the Bronco on 38’s got through this section. I know he did, but I’m not aware of if it was from the bypass or winching.

Rattlesnake:








Chapter 11: Carburetor Hill

Last year it rained in the middle of the day and Carb was the slipperiest, nastiest that I’ve observed on my four trips to Slade. This year it was mostly dry. Last year the far right line was the way to go for our group. I looked at the trail & was talking to Mike Lambert about different lines. He did not like the far right line because of some holes in front of rocks near the top. With his short wheelbase of 80 (or 80 something) inches, one wrong move and he’d be rolling backwards or sideways down the hill.

Jim took a line that started in the center and veered left near the top. His wife LuAnne stated that Jim used to have trouble at the bottom and once he was half way up it was a walk in the park. This year was the opposite; he walked up the bottom & had to do some wiggling around to change lines near the top. It didn’t take Jim very long to make these adjustments, and he made it just fine.

Brad went next (very similar line to Jim starting out) and was having some bouncing issues with the Blazer. He was hitting the front/rear at the same time. After a few tries he was approximately half way up when he started sliding to the left. After stopping and some adjusting, he eventually backed down to get a fresh start. His successful line entailed starting at the right (bottom of the trail) and crossing over the middle roughly half way up. Brad made it and was at the top.

Lambert went next. Mike had some disadvantages here. He had the shortest wheelbase of the group, the narrowest track width of the group, and the smallest tires of the group. He certainly had his work cut out for him. Mike had two advantages though: He is (In My Humble Opinion) the best driver of the group and his "trail balls" are larger than most. He gets a lot more out of his rig than the average driver could. Mike dropped a few more pounds of air out of his tires. (I do not know the amount). He had a smile on his face, but part of it may have been covering a grimace as he buckled into the Willy’s at the bottom of the hill. He started in the center and "firmly bounced around to the top." He stayed in the center for the largest portion of the trip. Just to be clear, it wasn’t a violent assault on the hill. He never looked out of control at any point, but he did not let off or stop at any time either. The Willy’s has 33" tires, and 5.38 gears, but the transmission is still the stock 3 speed manual. The point of that is even with the low axle gears it’s not a crawler by any means. He later stated that he set the hand throttle up to 1500 rpm and left it there. He stated that he had his foot ready for the clutch if something bad happened, but he did not need to use it. He stated that he gave it more throttle in several places, but the hand throttle being set to 1500 prevented any bogging or stumbling when he’d let off the throttle. Mike was at the top, and he arrived there quicker than any other rig. Mike added that he’s been to Carb Hill five times in the Willy’s and he’s managed to get up it five times.

I tried the center line (gently) and started spinning tires. After two tries I abandoned this plan and decided to try the far right side like I did last year when it was wet. If this trail were running up the middle of a ravine, I’d have no issue with simply getting on the throttle & running it straight up the gut…because being in a ravine would prevent me from getting off the trail. This isn’t in the middle of a ravine…it has drop-offs on both sides. That makes certain parts of my anatomy shrivel a bit. On the right side there are some holes that aren’t present in the center, but there are a few trees on the right side that would (hopefully) stop or slow down anyone who would slide off the trail. I personally do not like the looks of the left side of the trail. In short, I felt more comfortable applying throttle on the right side of the trail…so that is where I went. Near the top, I cut it to the left, and was greeted by significantly more resistance than last year. Confucius say "Hole in front of rock make rock seem bigger." I came to a stop and bounced/hit a tree on the right side. I was as far right as one can get (probably further right than one wants to get) at this point. After doing a bit of wiggling of my own I pointed the nose in the direction I wanted to go (left turn to get back near the center) & got on the throttle. It wasn’t particularly graceful & didn’t feel real smooth inside the truck, but it worked. Buford was also at the top of the hill.

Brent went next and made good progress at the bottom. I’d describe his line as similar to Brad’s until he got to the top. Near the top he was between the center and the far right where I had been. He had less than a foot of wiggle room forwards & backwards. He needed to get his passenger front tire over a medium sized ledge, but his rear tires were hitting at the same time. The obvious easy answer in a situation like this would to simply be "back up & bump it." That wasn’t a viable option. That wouldn't be prudent. To further quote George H. Bush, "Naw, Not gonna do it!." Brent could only reverse a foot or so. If he went further he’d drop a rear tire off a rock and things could get uncomfortably interesting at that point. Brent was getting different advice from different people at this time. It was decided that a strap may be the best idea and I started walking ahead to back down. As I was backing down someone gave him good advice and he was past this spot. After that he made it to the top and parked with the rest of us.

Rick (Turtle) was the last of our group to get try Carb. His Bronco sits fairly tall, and I was wondering if the higher COG may be an issue. Rick started towards the center at the bottom and calmly made steady progress up the hill. Rick is sometimes known for a heavy right foot, however he has common sense about it. He had previously stated that if he got into trouble on this hill, that he had no problem winching or taking a strap. While that was good plan, it wasn’t necessary. I’d estimate that Rick made it up Carburetor Hill quicker than everyone other than Lambert. He did stop a few times, but he was never in the same spot very long. He picked the right lines (mostly in the center), and the Bronco followed Rick’s commands at the wheel.

Carburetor Hill:




































Chapter 12: The Others

We were all at the top. A yellow single seater buggy was leading another group. The buggy drove up the hill at what Adam Sandler once described as "a medium pace." His tires were turning all the time, and he met some resistance, but he could pretty much go where he wanted to. Another smallish group was with him. Around this time, we heard Steve’s Very High Output V8 wailing in the distance. The first time people heard it we figured it was either Pauls’ 350 V8 or Stroud’s 5.0. The second time we heard it Lambert started laughing and said, "That’s Steve, I heard it shift!" Steve Stroud’s rig has an auto; Paul’s has a 4 speed.

We waited for a long time. I tried to reach the others on my CB, then Lambert tried. No response. After waiting a bit longer, Lambert, Brent, and I decided to walk back down to Rattlesnake. Once we arrived, we found the rest of our group. As mentioned before, no one was able to get up Rattlesnake without winching or avoiding the entire obstacle.

Paul’s rig (Mark was driving it from what I later was told) had broken a Dana 44 U-joint, which in turn wiped out both shafts on the driver side. All rigs were at the top, but there was some discussion on the best way to get the rig off the trails. Option 1: Drag it up Carb & wait for all of the others to make it up Carb & exit with us. Option 2: Back down Rattlesnake & head out that way as they weren’t too far from easy trails. Option 3: Turn right and go out that way. Option 3 was chosen. I know that Rinnert went along with Paul & Mark in the CJ. I’m pretty sure that at least one other rig (Howard & Andy?) went too, but I cannot be certain.

Lambert, Brent, and I received our share of exercise for the day by walking/jogging back up the trail and up Carb Hill. Once back there, I enjoyed a warm Diet Pepsi Max and a cheaper can of tuna (not Polar). Picture the French’s Mustard commercial, where they say in a disappointed/whiny voice: "That’s not French’s!" That’s what I was thinking as I opened & drained a large amount of water off the top before dumping Tobasco on top of the now half-empty can of tuna. I keep all of "Roy’s seafood treasures" in an ammo can behind the seat…along with a can opener, Tobasco, plastic utensils, etc. I keep it stocked with Tuna, Oysters, Sardines, Mackeral, Salmon, etc. Know how the guy that drives a ragged-out beater of a car seems less likely to have it stolen? Well, no one has ever stolen my trail food.

The rest of the group: Steve got up it quickly. Norm drove up it quickly. Larry ended up on the far right where I went, and the short wheelbase Sami was making things look kinda scary. Brent ended up backing down to strap someone and I’m thinking it was Larry but I cannot be certain. I do not remember seeing Howard on Carb Hill (he may have left with Paul & Rinnert), but I cannot be certain on that either.

Chapter 13: The Exit Trails

Jim took the lead on the way out. The only thing that stands out here are the few mudholes that people should avoid (we all avoided them), and the large cool looking rock that we drove up/past. It is smooth on the far left. In the center there is a slot/hole to put your driver side tires (what I did) to hold your rig in line for the climb, and some others skirted most of the rock on the far right side. We had made it back to pavement. The sun was setting, but it was still light outside. I remember last year at this point we all had our headlights on, so we were slightly ahead of schedule this year. We had a significant drive on pavement (roughly 20 minutes). I turned my headlights on during the last couple of road miles before pulling into the motel parking lot.

Chapter 14: Friday Night

I was starving when we got back to the motel. After grabbing a beer, I realized that others were taking off, filling up their fuel tanks this evening due to heading in the opposite direction (of the fuel station) tomorrow AM. I swore off drinking & driving in 1999, and haven't done so since....not even one beer on a public roadway. Howard jumped into Buford & drove the 3/4 mile or so to the filling station. I filled the tank, and we left. Back at the motel, Howard & Andy fired up the grill. I ate leftover chili, more pork rhinds, beef jerky, a bloody steak, and then conned Steve into taking food out of his children’s mouths by asking for a piece of his deer steak in his wife’s special marinade. I specified that it be undercooked and Steve delivered. Good stuff! I washed all of this down with several cans of crisp, cold, refreshing Natural Light. Others couldn’t dispute the fact that it was cold, but the other accolades could be a source of debate.

At one point Paul belched loudly and I laughingly complimented him…ripping off one of my own. This eventually turned into an impromptu belching contest that lasted longer than it should. Said contest did not produce a clear winner. I’m certain that many people were grossed-out by this, and it’s possible that some people were even offended. For the record, we are both in our 30’s. Paul is an attorney, and while my BS is in Criminal Justice, I am currently classified at my job (and have been for the last 8+ years) as a Social Worker. We were indeed acting very immature for our ages. I might get around to feeling bad for acting childish at some point, but the urge hasn’t hit me yet. Paul and I later engaged in a discussion. At one point I advised that people either tend to like me or think I’m an arsehole…there isn’t a lot of in between. He said that he certainly thought I was an arsehole in the past (maybe still now too, I didn't ask). I laughed. Several years ago Paul and I had a brief but bitter argument about the potential sale of a vehicle. That was settled years ago. Later in the evening I proposed a toast to Paul’s efforts in the belching contest. Male bonding at it’s finest.

We all BS’d outside for a while before people retreated to their rooms. Lambert showed several people some of the pictures he took and already had downloaded onto his laptop. I talked to my wife for a few minutes but had sketchy service on my phone. Lambert and I were asleep early…probably around 9:30 pm. As mentioned earlier, Lambert is an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kinda guy. The next evening he would not be so lucky. The next night, the party would just be getting started around 9:30.

Chapter 15: Saturday’s Breakfast

I awoke a little after 6:00 am on Saturday. While separating & cooking my usual breakfast of 12 jumbo egg whites, one of Steve’s children (I believe it was David) asked why I did that. After I explained the yolk is full of cholesterol, and the white has a lot of protein & minimal calories. I went on to advise that the liquid stuff that I enjoy in a can (beer) isn’t really good for people, so I try to eat relatively healthy stuff 95% of the time to offset that bad habit. My conversation with Steve’s son ended at that time. I’m not sure he bought it, but it’s the truth. Anyway, to expand on that brief conversation, the other 5% of the time is reserved to out of state trail rides, parties, etc. Pork Rhinds and bloody red meat are examples of this…generally it would be chicken breast or 99% lean turkey…but for the yearly trip to Slade I throw reservation to the wind. Just thinking about it makes me feel naughty…somebody spank me for eating badly. Where’s Monnet when I need him most. Nevermind. Again, I digress.

I threw some fat free cheddar on top of my scrambled whites & attempted to melt it in the microwave. It didn’t look pretty, but neither do I. I ate it and was ready for the trails.

I started Buford in the lot and checked the tire pressure. 7.0 in the front and 2.5 in the rear. Knowing that we’d be taking it slow on the road (and they’d gain a pound or two on the trip) I left them alone. Mark and Paul (in the CJ5) had done their best to find another axle for the CJ, but were unable to do so. Paul would be riding with Brent. I offered Mark a seat in Buford. He accepted. In retrospect, I’m not sure if he would have accepted if he would have known what all I had eaten/drank the night before.

Chapter 16: Mysterious Vapors

Due to the broken CJ and Milliron heading home the day before, we were down to 11 rigs. We turned left out of the Lil Abners parking lot and headed up the windy road (I believe it is Route 11) to meet Mr. Booth. Throughout the course of the morning, noxious fumes would randomly and mysteriously emanate from the cab. The fumes observed to have different effects on Mark and I. They caused me to laugh (laughing gas perhaps?) whereas they caused Mark to lower the passenger side glass and stick his head out the window like a dog. At one point, the phrase, "Gosh Dude, I can taste that" was uttered.

Chapter 17: Mr. Charles Booth

We met Mr. Booth right around 9:00 am, which was the scheduled time. From what I understand, generally there is $20 donation (per rig, not per individual) to the local fire department and it is preferred to have a group larger than ours. I completely understand this, as the man takes a day out of his life to lead strangers around his land. All of us made the $20 donation & considered it money well spent. Mr. Booth thanked us and led us to the trails. He stated that we would start with some scenic stuff and move on to more difficult trails as the day progressed. He mentioned trails with the names of Holiday Hill, Attention Getter, Hairpin, Lower Staircase, and Upper Staircase. He stated that some of the trails were downright nasty. When I turned to walk back to Buford, it looked like the Ford was sneering out the corner of his new nose. Before pulling out Mr. Booth advised us he’d be on CB channel 10.

Chapter 18: Holiday Hill or Jacob's Ladder?

**I was nearly certain that the first obstacle of the day was called Holiday Hill by either Jim Lockert, Charles Booth, or possibly both. SInce then, I have been informed that this trail is referred to as Jacob's Ladder. I'm not 100% sure which it is...and I don't really care. We drove up it. For the purpose of the report, the first obstacle of this report will be referred to as Holiday Hill.**

On the way to the trails, Charles advised over the CB that he changed his mind and we’d hit Holiday Hill first. I’d describe Holiday Hill as a wider, tamer (not as steep & not as scary off to the sides) version of Carburetor Hill. Charles was leading in his green Jeep. At the base of the hill there is a short rocky climb that can be mostly bypassed to the left or driven up. Some bypassed it. Many rigs, Lambert, Brad, and myself for certain drove up the more challenging line. Most of us got up Holiday Hill without drama. There is one area in the center of the trail that causes stock wheelbase Jeeps to hit the front & rear at the same time. Rinnert found this spot. While I didn’t see it, Lambert was taking pictures and advised that he watched the rear end wrap up (much easier than it should have) when it bounced. This broke the rear shaft joint & broke the yoke strap bolts off into the yoke. To make a long story short here, many people chipped in with tools & labor in order to correct this problem. Mark was attempting to remove the broken strap bolts with a punch when it was determined that a Stroud had a spare drive shaft (along with extra complete diff center sections!) in his spare parts box. Stroud suggested Rinnert check and see if his T-case yoke would interchange with his rear D44 yoke. Luckily it did. While under there, Rinnert found the problem: One of his control arms had come loose/unbolted/let go. He was able to fix this as well. The rest of the group managed to get up Holiday Hill without a lot of drama.

Holiday Hill:




Chapter 19: Attention Getter

We drove some mild & scenic trails for a while before I noticed people stopping and getting out up ahead. I got out and walked to meet the others. Charles advised that this was the base of what they called Attention Getter. THis was an optional obstacle. He stated that it had been a long time since anyone had been up it, and the last rig to do it was on Rockwells with 49" tires. He said his name was Casey. He also said that people roll at the top, so be sure to wear a seatbelt. I ran up the hill on foot, nearly falling down a few times. It was steep, the ruts were covered in leaves, and at the top there are very large rocks to climb. Running down the center of the rocks are two metal pipelines. They are approximately 2" in diameter. Placing a tire on these may assist in minimizing the angle of the rock, but traction would be poor. How tall are the rocks? Brent later took a few pictures of me standing in front of the rocks on the right side of the pipeline. I’m 6’2" tall. I had a yellow shirt on that day and I’m going bald, so I’ll be fairly easy to find. The first rock is above my waist. When one first glances at the picture that is what will be noticed first. Just a few feet past that, there is another step that is at my shoulders. That is what is more impressive IMO,and that is what should be paid attention to. That’s a significant climb in a very short distance. Enough on that. I walked back down the trail and hopped into Buford. It's quite possible that Mr. Booth thought, "What a dumbarse, he has no chance."

Mark put on his seat belt. I put on mine. I turned on the CD player. The CD is old and scratched. The CD player itself is old. As a matter of fact, I only have one disk in the truck. It works about half the time. I turned it on. Song number 1 started to play. Disregard the video here…focus on the sound. As Mark and I started the truck, we looked at Mr. Booth and the others at the bottom. As we started moving forwards, this is what we heard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Djj7j...eature=related

For maximum real-world effect, minimize the youtube screen and keep reading with the music playing. Whenever the video (of us on this trail) is loaded, there will be no need for this.

The big ugly bastard of a hill was about to meet a big ugly bastard of a truck. The initial plan was to get the nose of the truck up onto the rocks and "gather my thoughts." At that time the plan would be to reverse slowly until the front tires were at the edge of the rocks. At that point, I would envision that the throttle pedal had insulted me, and I’d stomp it into the floor with my right foot. What would happen then? I may make it, I may not. I could roll over & die, or I could power to the top. If I had to bet on it, I’d have bet that the Ford would conquer the hill. Why? Because obstacles like this seem to be Buford’s specialty. Long wheelbase, low COG, large tires, and the ability to make 42" tires get moving from a dead stop in a hurry. That was my theory anyway. Theory has it’s place. It makes for interesting yapping sessions around the campfire. Enough with the theory, here is how it went down.

Buford was moving towards the base of the hill. As Mark & I started climbing at moderate throttle, Buford’s Quadrajet unexpectedly belched a few times while climbing the base and middle of the hill. The trail was a bit rough, but nothing that would typically make the carb act up. It didn’t stall, but it caused an annoying loss of momentum. I’d estimate that the hill is 100’-125’ feet long before the near vertical rock climb at the top. Buford was still waddling forwards, staring at the rocks with a no nonsense sneer. Picture a rugged old gunslinger’s face with a stern look and minimal movement. Stoic, with only a slight flaring of the nostrils and a slight upturn at the corners of the mouth. The front tires contacted the rocks. They started to climb. Tires were starting to spin but the truck was still moving forwards. Remember the finesse approach that I’d utilized yesterday on Widowmaker? You may, but I temporarily forgot about it.

Everything happened quickly, but based on talking to others afterwards, it went something like this:

"Bwaaaaaaaaaah." Front end up in air, over the rocks. Rear tires hit rocks. I didn’t lift off the throttle.

"Bwaaaaaaaaaah." Entire truck jumps to the left, partially up the embankment. Truck tilts to the right. I didn’t lift off the throttle.

"Bwaaaaaaaaaah." Entire truck bounced right. It looks like it may roll over onto the passenger side. I didn’t lift off the throttle.

"Bwaaaaaaaaaah." Truck bounced back into what is roughly the middle of the trail, past the obstacle, crests the hill. Finally, I lifted off the throttle.

Buford spoke. I didn’t hear what he said at first, but I heard it the second time. He was talking to the hill:













































"I’m Rick James...................Biooootch!"

"Holy shizle!" I hollered out as the truck was suddenly starting down the steep embankment/cow path that is on the other side of the hill. I crammed on the brakes and we stopped. "Damn, didn’t expect that."

Mark looked at me kinda funny. I backed up a bit and parked the truck. I mic’d the CB & played a quick blurb of Bad To The Bone, as it was still playing on the CD player. I jumped out with adrenaline coursing through my veins, jumped onto the toolbox on the rear of the truck and hollered (Think of Long Duck Dong in 1984's Sixteen Candles chick flick...OK, I admit to liking the movie too) something to the effect "King Roy stand on junk!" (Consider this a combination between Confucius and a bad Chinese restaurant fortune cookie). When considering that last statement, don't all bad Chinese restaurant fortune cookies stem from a Confucius-like saying? And where exactly does Long Duck Dong fit into this equation? Let's tackle that subject another day.

I’ll be curious to watch the video, but the trip from the very bottom of the hill to me standing on top of the trail was likely around 45 seconds…and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was significantly less. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being whoop-de-do, and 10 being "my head is so fat, yada, yada" I’d rate this as a good solid 8. Steve had filmed from the bottom, and LuAnne filmed from the top. After talking to her it was possible that she jerked/jumped away when things got nasty at the top. Hopefully at least one of the two videos will turn out.

Norm in the YJ decided to give it a try. He made it up the hill to the obstacle, and was easily able to get his front end up onto the rocks. He had his Jeep on all three "lines" (left, center, right), but he focused most of his time on the left side. Norm has a 100" wheelbase, and while that seems to be the magic number for a lot of obstacles, this wasn’t one of them. After 5 minutes or so, I backed up and strapped Norm over the top. To better explain the top of this hill (and how I had previously started down the other side), there wasn’t room for me to park the truck on flat ground at the top. To get my truck to sit level the front tires had to be on the downhill side, and the rear tires were on the "obstacle side." Norm and I parked on the relatively steep exit trail on the other side of the obstacle. We walked back up the hill to see who else wanted to try.

I hollered down to Brad that he needed to at least give it a try or there would be mucho smack talk back at the hotel later in the evening. He didn’t bite. Steve however, did bite on the razzing. He stated that he’d give it a try, but wanted to be strapped off to Buford at the top before he got on it. The point of this: if he rolled, he wouldn’t go very far...IE: barrel roll to the bottom. It made sense to me. Personally I thought it may be a better idea to strap off to a tree, but that wouldn’t provide the necessary adjustments to keep the strap tight enough to work and loose enough to give Steve room to maneuver. While Steve was driving up the hill, Andy turned to me and said (with his mild southern drawl), "Dude I gotta say–you aren’t the brightest guy I’ve ever met, but you got a SACK." This brought laughter, and while it was an obvious compromise between "cut" and "compliment" when repeated later that night at the motel, it would cause several of us to start cackling.

Steve approached the obstacle. Obviously his boys were not in the vehicle. A large portion of the group did not walk up the steep hill to see what was going on. Andy, Ernie, Norm, Paul, Mark, David, LuAnne, and Brent were at the top with me. I may be leaving someone out. A standard 20' strap was connected to Steve’s Sami. This was connected to my 20' 4-in-1 strap, which was attached to Buford. For those wondering, my "4-in-1" strap is four straps woven together for maximum strength. Some may laugh & say it's ugly. I say it's strong & works. In order to allow the proper amount of wiggle room for Steve, I had to be completely on the other side of the hill. I parked the Ford after being spotted by Norm, who was standing at the peak of the hill. Buford doesn’t have an emergency brake, and I didn’t like the idea of the parking pawl being responsible for holding the truck on the hill, and being responsible for potentially stopping a barrel roll on the other side of the hill. I had the wheels turned, and was dragging rocks from a cave to chock the wheels in both directions. I watched Steve give the hill a couple mild attempts, and change lines a couple times, but I was back at the truck playing with rocks when someone advised, "You can stop–he rolled." I didn’t see it, but there wasn’t any violent jerking on the truck. I had no idea it happened. I ran to the top and found Steve’s rig on it’s roof. Steve has a beefy cage and it didn’t budge. He was strapped in upside down.

Steve was very calm and maintained his sense of humor throughout the ordeal. If someone wrote a blurb on Wikipedia entitled, "How to act when your junk rolls on the trail," Steve's actions would be the routine to follow. He kept his cool and was in verbal control of what was going on outside at all times, even though he was strapped in his rig upside down. Someone later commented that Steve was covered in dirt from the floor of his Sami. People wonder why I'm anal about interior cleanliness...

Brad later commented that many people at the bottom of the trail didn't see Steve roll. He stated that several were in the process of leaving the area when it happened. Up top, several of us were able to push the rig from it’s roof onto the passenger side. We called to the bottom for reinforcements (more dudes) but were still unable to push it back onto it’s wheels. Lambert drove the Willy’s up the hill, and with the assistance of a snatch block and several people making recovery connections, Lambert winched the rig back onto all fours, while a couple people held a strap that was attached to the top of Steve’s cage. The point of this was to cushion the landing when the Sami’s tires were back on the ground. This worked out well.

The goal at this time was for Buford to pull Stroud’s Sami up the obstacle, get it to the peak of the trail (level spot) and inspect it for damage at that time. Norm spotted at the top. Buford was heading down the hill on the other side and easily pulled the front of the Sami over the rocks. When pulling the rear tires over, Buford started to spin all 42's (downhill). The standard sized strap broke, and a small piece of something came whizzing into the (open) sliding rear window of my truck & smacked my face. I’m not sure what it was. It didn’t leave a mark but it got my attention and made me look at my mug in the rearview mirror multiple times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything...like an ear or my nose. Another strap was connected and a minute later Steve’s rig was sitting at the crest of the hill. Some prying on the hood, and radiator support area was all that was needed. We pulled the coil wire off so Steve could crank the engine a few revolutions at a time to make sure it wasn't hydrolocked with oil in the cylinders. The engine turned slowly on the first bump, but it was fine after that. Before the coil wire was hooked back up, Larry acted as if he was going to hold the end of it. I asked if he was the type of child that urinated into electrical outlets for kicks when he was younger.

Steve’s Sami started right up and other than the expected brief smoking period it was good to go. I believe that the CB was the only broken item. The hood & fender had new dents, but they were still functional. I got on the CB and made contact with the rest of the group. We agreed to meet a short ways up the trail for lunch.

Attention Getter:




"I'm Rick James..........Biotch!"
















Rocks @ shoulder level slightly behind me...passenger side tires went up that--


Chapter 20: Saturday’s Lunch

I enjoyed a large can of Mackerel for lunch, along with a bottle of water that I stole from Ernie. In case anyone is wondering what Mackerel looks like or tastes like, it looks like larger sardines. The taste is quite good. Along with salmon it has one of the highest concentrations of Omega 3 fatty acids. It is a highly anti-inflamatory food. It's excellent for joints, etc. King mackerel should be avoided however. King mackerel has significant quantities of mercury. Say it with me folks: King mackerel is bad, regular mackerel is good. I offered to share my mackerel, but I did not have any takers. Mr. Booth mentioned that I could rename the hill if I wished as it had been quite a while since anyone climbed it. Stroud had previously (and I'm quite certain only semi-jokingly) suggested calling it "Roy’s Ego." In the end, it was tentatively named "Buford's Ridge."

At this point, there were three main obstacles left: Hairpin, Lower Staircase, and Upper Staircase.

Chapter 21: Hairpin

After finishing lunch, we rode trails for a bit to get to Hairpin. This is a two-part obstacle. This entire trail is called hairpin. No one referred to it as upper and lower hairpin, but that is how I’ll describe it for simplicity’s sake. The lower portion consists of a steep rocky climb that requires the vehicle to turn left near the top. On the left side of this section is a wall of rocks. Many people sat on top of them (quite high up) to watch the action. On the right side of the trail is a steep drop off. One must be leery of that side. If a rig makes it up that section, there is a level area a that is roughly 35-40 feet long. Plenty of room to stand & watch (and make the sharp left hand turn...hence the name hairpin), but not enough room in which to park multiple vehicles at once. Lower looks like this:




Upper hairpin has a deep ravine on the left side, and a very tall vertical wall beside that. The right side is a series of bumpy rock ledges, and a more sloping dirt/woods area with a few trees off to the side of the trail. The trail is off camber to the left, and body damage is a definite possibility if one falls down into the rut on the left. However, there isn’t any chance of rolling down a cliff (always a plus in my book) on either side. Now that one has an idea of what it looks like, here is what I remember happening. Upper looks like this:



Upper Hairpin looking down:



Lockert walked up most of the lower section then lost traction at the top. He ended up getting wedged in between rocks/dirt on his right-rear bumper corner and needed to winch through this section. Jim had to work at the upper section for a few minutes, but once he got moving he was able to stay out of the ravine and drive to the top unassisted.

Brent went (I’m a poet & don’t know it) at it, and had a few hairy moments on the lower section. He was understandably cautious with the throttle, and a few times this prevented him from getting over a ledge. When he did hit it a little harder, he bounced up the most difficult section but was pointing too far to the left. He had very little wiggle room in which to get pointed in the right (literally, he needed to turn right) direction. I stood on the lower portion of the trail & spotted him in reverse while several others spotted his front end. After a series of backing up & turning six inches at a time, it worked. Brent was pointing in the right direction and made it up under his own power. On the upper section he was working different lines for a while before getting into a position that presented the possibility of tipping over if he backed up too far. I was standing beside Mr. Booth, and at one point he advised Brent that he only had six inches to back up. I looked at Mr. Booth, holding my left thumb and forefinger about six inches apart and advised, "We call that 12 inches at my house." He looked at me kinda funny then started laughing. After the different options were discussed with Brent, it was decided to take the safe route & winch out of the mess. He winched through this section & parked up ahead.

Brad was next in line. Brad drove up the lower section more aggressively than I was expecting. He started moving up the trail, pointed the nose where he wanted to go and got on it. The Blazer bounced around a bit, but the 39.5's propelled the Blazer up this section on the first attempt. The Blazer firmly advised that section of the trail that it (Blazer) was indeed Rick James. As he drove past me, I asked Brad if he’d been eating my Mackerel. Brad was making good progress on the upper section when he got into a bind. His rig has hydro assist steering. I do not think that the wheels were turned to full lock,or that anything particularly violent happened with the steering system, but I wasn't in the rig so I don't know exactly what transpired. Someone hollered for Brad to stop as his rig was leaking some sort of fluid at an alarming rate. This was soon determined to be power steering fluid. The Ramsey 9500 winch was drawn out, someone drug it out and hooked it to a tree saver & tree. I plugged it in & tossed the remote to Brad. He winched through this section & parked ahead.

Steve, Howard, and possibly Larry were parked in front of me. Steve and I walked down the trail together & briefly discussed his rollover. Mark walked down too. Mark moved Howard’s Sami out of the way & parked it. Initially I thought Steve was not going to try the obstacle, but I’m guessing that he may have had thoughts of "when you fall off the horse, it’s best to get right back on it right away." This is purely conjecture on my part, and I’ve been known to be full of it a time or two.

I know Steve whipped the lower section of Hairpin in a hurry, because I did not have to wait by the time I waddled the Ford up to the base of it. Assuming that people were expecting a throttle show, I fooled ‘em all. I slowly crawled Buford up this section without incident. A few people actually booed including LuAnne who was filming. Around the corner and on to the upper section. I crawled the nose up the trail at an angle, starting on the left and aiming right. This worked for the front end, but the rear Dana 70-U hit rocks and stopped forward progress. Stroud was filming from the front-left side of the trail. With a sly grin he asked, "Hey Roy, want me to get a strap & pull you." I laughed. I alternated crawling approache and the "bludgeon my way through" technique. After some wiggling and smoke rolling from all four 42's on the rocks, I was able to start making forward progress. At that time, I crawled the rest of the trail & parked ahead behind Steve. I got out & walked ahead to see what was up with Brad’s power steering. After looking at it he was not sure where the fluid had came from. The pump was not the problem, and none of the lines had ruptured. We walked back to the action.

Norm was on the upper section. I didn’t see how he did on the bottom section, but I would figure he got up it in a hurry. Norm’s rig is currently winch-less, and he got into a position that required a strap. Mark backed Buford down the trail & we hooked two straps (for a 40' length) between Buford and Norm. Norm was nearly sideways in the trail. The goal was to get Norm facing straight ahead again. Mark pulled Norm back in line somewhat, but could not get him exactly where we wanted him because the only front tow point was on the high side of Norm’s rig. When pulling on Norm, I was starting to look that it may tip him over. The strap was removed and after some creative driving, Norm managed to both correct his angle and drive the rest of the trail unassisted.

To the best of my recollection, Norm was the last rig to try/make it up this trail. I remember Lambert stating that he thought he wouldn’t have any trouble with the lower half but he didn’t really like the upper section.

Hairpin: For some of the best pictures of this trail, go here:
http://www.ohio4x4.com/forum/album.php?albumid=12


Chapter 22: Loose Bolts

Brad had refilled his power steering. It is a hydroboost setup, so it has a definite affect on his power brakes as well. It wasn’t leaking at the moment, so our half of the group took off ahead with Jim in the lead. We all ran some scenic trails before stopping near a roadway. Brad had negotiated some tight turns up ahead, so I was under the impression that the steering was doing OK. When we stopped near the roadway we got to looking at it some more. The pump looked good. The box didn’t have any gaping holes or obvious cracks in it. The hydro ram and all associated lines looked OK. Brad got to fiddling around with the plate on top of the steering box. He discovered that the bolts were quite loose. He could access two of the four bolts and he tightened them down. The problem was that the other two bolts were simply inaccessible without stripping of several parts to get at them. I was sitting under the rig with a portable light, shining through a tiny area in order to verbally (attempt) to guide Brad’s wrench from above. In the end, there simply wasn’t enough room to tun the bolt. He could get the wrench on the head, but did not have any room to turn it. In the end, two tight bolts proved to be adequate for the rest of the day.

Chapter 23: Scenic Trails

On up ahead, both groups reunited for the final time of the weekend. Mr. Booth showed the group a cool off-the trail waterfall. This wasn’t an obstacle, it was scenic and many people took pictures. Several commented that the sound of the waterfall gave them the urge to urinate. We ran some more scenic trails and stopped to take pictures in the middle of an absolutely massive rock canyon we were in the middle of. Some people took off on foot to explore some of the areas. I was itching to see the Lower & Upper Staircase trails...those would be scenic enough for me. While in this canyon, I was doubting if we’d get to see the staircase trails because the sun was going down. I would later find out that it wasn’t quite as late as it seemed; the huge rock wall was blocking the sun from our area.

Chapter 24: Lower Staircase

Once we got moving from the Rock Canyon, it wasn’t long before we were at the base of Lower Staircase. It was a very impressive looking site. It is probably the widest, longest rock ledge strewn hill that I’ve personally observed. Several people had climbed it on foot, and they were starting to look like ants in the distance. I took off on foot. I passed Brad who was walking down. "What’s it look like?" I asked. He scoffed and said, "It’s right there." I could see what was in front of me, I had asked about the top. I’m not sure if he walked that far or not. I walked most of the way to the top. A few of the ledges were well above my waist. I started carefully descending the rocky mess on foot. I walked alone to Buford. I passed Mark (who had been my co-pilot all day) on the way. He was sitting this one out. I started the truck, put seatbelt on, threw my left arm out the window, grabbed onto one of the strips of steel and started moving. Buford waddled forwards and started climbing. My approach to trails like this (and climbs in general) is rather simple: "Keep the truck straight & don’t roll over & die." The largest ledge is likely 3/4 of the way up the hill. This can be avoided on the far left and far right, but those areas are more off camber. My goal was to keep the truck in a straight line. Why? Because if the front started to bounce or slide, I’d have more leeway to correct the problem before things got out of hand. I drove straight ahead at a steady, controlled pace.

The 42's were flexing and swallowing many of the rocks. Buford’s primitive leaf springs were doing what they do best–very little. Buford’s 31 year old stock frame was working it’s magic, seeming to pivot in the middle when necessary. The Quadrajet 4 bbl carb was behaving and supplying fuel to the engine with all the precision of a coffee pot percolator. The 469 V8 engine (7.7 liters for fans of the metric system) operating at roughly 1500 rpm provided the necessary grunt to compensate for the pathetic low range crawl ratio. The C6 trans wasn’t sweating, as it has three coolers attached to it and a 16" auxiliary fan for trails like this. In short, everything was working as it should--in low tech primitive fashion.

I pointed Buford’s nose right at the largest ledge. I believe that my driver side front hit it slightly ahead of the passenger side. The front climbed right up it. I paused here and gathered my thoughts. I wanted to be able to calmly drag the rear straight up this...but it was awful steep. I tried gently and I started spinning. Not wanting to get the front end sliding around while it was on top of the largest ledge, I decided to wiggle around and point the nose to the left side of the obstacle. With my eyes wincing and cheek muscles involuntarily forming a cringe, I carefully applied throttle. Buford grunted forwards and pulled his hind quarters up the ledge. I had passed the high drama spot (for me) of this obstacle. The cringe & wincing went away and was replaced with a confident smirk. I kept the truck moving at a steady pace to the top. When I got to the top, I didn’t run back to the group looking for kudos. I drove ahead & parked on the "landing" at the base of Upper Staircase. I turned off the truck and took off alone, walking ahead. I wanted to see what Upper Staircase looked like.

I ran up the trail & found that in addition to large, ugly, odd shaped rocks there was another element to Upper Staircase: Moss. The rocks were as slippery KY Jelly that has been warmed in the microwave...nevermind. I ran all the way to the top. The trail reminded me of somewhat of Devil’s Brew, except the "roll and die" side of the trail was on the right (Upper Staircase) vs. the left (Devil's Brew). Not identical by any means, but it would be the best comparison I could make. Not knowing if I’d try it or not, I started back down the trail. The thick leaves hid all kinds of bumps & holes in the trail. I stepped on a rock at one point, and the moss on it caused me to lose my footing. I fell forwards nearly onto my face. As I type this four days later on Wednesday 11-11-2009, my right forefinger is still swollen, and I still have a series of six inch (really, six inches, not three) abrasions on my left forearm. When I got up, Jim’ Lockert’s son was standing at the bottom of the hill, but he was looking the other way. He later said he didn’t see me fall, but he may have been being polite.

When I got back to the top of Lower Staricase, Norm was nearing the top. He was bouncing around a little but he was making good progress. Norm took the opposite side of the largest center ledge. When standing at the bottom of the hill (and looking at pictures), I went up the middle/left side. Norm went up the far right side. Norm’s line requires a sharp left turn near the top of the trail. I do not like getting sideways on a trail but Norm did it like a pro and did not look tippy or nervous at any time. No one else wanted to try Lower Staircase.

Lower Staircase:
















Norm at the top--


Rocks are approximately elbow high--


Chapter 25: Discussion with Mr. Booth

I gave a description of the trail to Mr. Booth, mentioning all of the moss on the Upper Staircase Trail. He advised that it was nasty when dry in the summer, and he recommended not trying today. He said it would be best to try that trail in the summer. I want to be clear here: He did not tell me I couldn’t try it. I am not making any sort of excuses such as "I would have tried, but wasn’t allowed." My decision to stop was based partly on his advice, partly on common sense, and partly because "Buford’s Ridge" had provided enough excitement for one day.

Since there were only two rigs at the top of this nasty trail, Mr. Booth gave Norm (Ernie riding shotgun) and I (Mark riding shotgun) directions for the way out of the woods & back to the motel: "Head straight ahead. Turn right on the gravel road for about 5 miles. Turn on 11 and follow it back to the hotel."

The four of us thanked him and headed out. While walking back to our rigs, Norm and I discussed the directions. I repeated what Mr. Booth said. Mark advised "correct" and we agreed that was a good term...vs. saying "Right."

Chapter 26: Back to Abners

The ride back went smoothly and without incident. There is a beer carry-out on the trip back to the motel. Mark wanted me to stop at the carry-out which I did. When he came out I advised that I tended to purchase beer by the 30 pack. He advised that he wasn’t a drunken POS like I was. This hurt my feelings and angered me at the same time. We got into a knock down, drag out fight in the carry-out parking lot. Ernie finally broke it up by threatening to beat the shiznit out of both of us if we didn’t knock it off. Just kidding guys. Seeing if you are still paying attention. The four of us did indeed stop at the carry-out. Mark did indeed buy a six pack of Bud Light (bottles for those who crave details), but there were no insults or punches exchanged between the two of us.

Chapter 27: Putting the Toys Away

As Mark and I pulled into the motel parking lot, I drove Buford up onto the trailer. I secured it with four ratchet straps and two come-a-longs. Probably overkill, but better safe than sorry. Using Buford’s OBA, and Mark sitting in the driver seat revving the engine to 1200-1500 rpm, I added air to the front tires. I aired them up from 7 psi to 15 for the ride home. Unnecessary? Probably. Brad pulled in beside me and loaded his Blazer. He did not have any issues on the way out. Others loaded their rigs onto trailers as well. The sun was going down, but it was still light outside. I brought Brad a Natty Light from the hotel room, sat it on his rig, & advised that if he didn’t want it (he’s a Bud Light guy) I’d consume it when I finished mine. He accepted the brew. Brad’s father Ron had business to attend to in the AM, so he packed up and left at this time.

Chapter 28: Early Saturday Evening

Howard & Andy fired up the grill outside & started cooking. Lambert & some others drove up the road to a small restaurant for dinner. I had promised Lambert a New York strip steak that I brought for him, but he later said that he thought we were heading into Winchester for Dinner, like we did last year. Brent had found the Ohio State vs. Penn State game on satellite radio towards the end of the ride. OSU was winning. Brent & I watched the 4th quarter of the game. The TV required adjustment, as we could not see the very top & bottom of the screen (where the score is displayed) for quite some time. Once this was corrected, we found that OSU was comfortably ahead by 10 points. They scored another touchdown and were ahead by 17. I went outside. Brent watched the game until it was practically over (approximately 3 minutes left). Ohio State pulled off the upset, and we were both laughing about Iowa (undefeated to that point) getting beat earlier in the day. What that means is Ohio State (surprisingly) has a chance to win the Big 10. If they beat Iowa this weekend, they have it wrapped up. Several of us were looking forwards to the free MMA event on CBS at 9:00 pm: Fedor vs. Brett Rogers. Fedor is widely regarded as the best heavyweight MMA fighter.

Mike Lambert arrived back in the room & we all looked at some of his pictures. I gave Brent my steak (get your minds out of the gutter people) that I had promised Lambert. Lambert had a shrimp basket and advised he was full. I had the last one & ate it with my hands...like a large bloody piece of beef jerky. Most of the group BS’d outside the hotel for a couple hours. I took a shower & added another beer can to the top corner of the shower stall in the room. Most of the group BS’d outside the hotel for a couple hours.

Chapter 29: Late Saturday Evening

Many people had called it a night around 9:00 pm. Brad, Brent, Howard, and Andy hung out with Lambert and I in our room. Remember that Lambert gets up around 4:00 am, and goes to bed fairly early? Not tonight. Brad had his moonshine concoction and several people got into it rather heavily. I stuck to the weak Natural Light beer, but I had plenty of it. Andy & Howard had scored some Miller High Life Lite (love the commercials..beer isn't too bad either, just kinda high in carbs...anyway). Lambert was even into the sauce a bit, as he had some wine coolers. The first few fights weren’t overly exciting but as the night progressed we were looking forward to the main event. When the final fight started, Rogers cut Fedor, and some people were smelling an upset. I was rooting for Fedor, and I think most if not all of the others were as well. In round 2, Fedor knocked Rogers silly with basically one punch. He won by knockout. After the fight, Rogers whined about it, wanting a rematch, yada, yada. Brad headed to his room shortly after the end of the fights ended.

I believe that the fights on TV got the testosterone flowing because talks of arm wrestling matches started as the clock neared midnight. Andy said that he told people at work that I retired him last year. He said he quit...but he wanted a rematch. I suggested that some of the other guys arm wrestle each other and give Andy and I a first round bye so to say after our long drawn out battles from last year. I advised that I personally would not bet against either Lambert or Brent. Lambert is a mechanic...always wrenching on stuff, and from what I understand Brent works out quite a bit and can bench press significantly more than his body weight a significant number of times....and he can do an impressive number of pull-ups. Howard was easily that biggest dude out of all of us...and he’s not fat. I picture Howard as the gentle giant kinda guy. I’ve never observed Howard get mad, but if he did and tied into someone, I have a feeling that they’d have a significant problem on their hands. From last year’s battle, I’d describe Andy as "just plain strong." It took quite a bit of prompting to get Lambert involved, but we thought we managed to do so. I advised that "There was no glory for me arm-wrestling Lambert...he’s 50 years old...and he might whip my arse!" Lambert got to laughing at this. There was much hollering on who would arm wrestle who to start to festivities.

When you put five guys who are half shot-in-the-arse in a room and allow them to watch martial arts fighting then get to talking about arm wrestling, things tend to get loud. I’ll go on record here and apologize to Jim, LuAnne, and family. They were in the room on the other side of us. Brent was on the other side of our room, and he was with us.

Chapter 30: The Preliminary Rounds

I believe we started with the vague idea of a single elimination event, but rules were made to be broken.

Round one:
--Brent and I started off the festivities. I was able to get the W.
--Andy & Lambert went next. Andy got Lambert’s arm out of position. Lambert mentioned this. Andy agreed to restart and then pulled out the W.

Round two:
–Howard and I went next. While worried that Howard could snap my arm like a twig, I pulled out the W.
Howard and Andy went next (we had five people & Howard was the biggest...I think that was our drunken rationale). Andy pulled out the W.

Random matches:
I’m not sure how many of these took place. I do know that Brent and I arm wrestled left handed. I thought he may get me on this, but I persevered and got the W.

Chapter 31: The Finals

Andy was psyched. He stated that me beating him last year had eaten at him a bit. Brent was the "match starter & referee." Andy and I share one technique: Let the other person go nuts trying to take you down. This psyches-out a lot of people, as they spend all of their energy in a few seconds. If they don’t win right away, they are probably done for.

The match was about to start. I asked for a poll of who would win. The consensus was that I would beat Andy. Brent had his hand on top of ours. Brent was standing, Andy and I were seated at the table. Brent would say, "5,4,3,2,1, GO!" and let go of our hands. That is exactly what happened. Andy jerked my arm towards him and had an immediate advantage. I did everything I could to prevent him from putting my arm down, but it was to no avail. Andy won.

Andy was pumped. We shook hands and Andy went out to smoke a cigarette. When Andy came back in I mentioned the possibility of a rematch, with a little more specific rules: IE: To win one had to put their opponent’s arm down in the traditionally accepted area–the left or right side of the table. Andy was game. He did not balk at the idea of going again with the new rules. Picture the table as a clock: Andy was sitting at the 12 ‘O clock position. I was sitting at the 6 ‘O clock position. We were arm wrestling right handed. When Andy won (and he did win) the first match, he got my hand/arm down at roughly the 12 ‘O clock position...near his chest. The rules would be that for Andy to win, he had to get my arm down in the 3 ‘O clock region. For me to win, I had to get his arm down in the 9 ‘O clock region. Make sense?

There was also some discussion of how far the other person’s arm had to be down. To resolve this, we all came up with a great and innovative idea– A small pile of Fritos were placed in both the 3 ‘O clock and 9 ‘O clock positions of the table. When the ref heard the crunching of Fritos, the match was over. Nothing like a bunch of creative drunkards!

Here it was...the match of the Century. Actually it was simply two yahoos arm wrestling for pride after midnight in the wee hours of a Sunday morning. I asked for a poll of who would win. The consensus was that Andy would beat me. I don’t blame them...the first match wasn’t close.

"5,4,3,2,1, GO!" I was ready for Andy’s quick reflexes on the start...but it didn’t matter. He got off to a significant advantage again. He wasn’t cheating, he was simply winning. I focused on not getting into a worse predicament. Andy was sensing victory and was making strange sounds on the other side of the table. Andy was making his move, he was going for the kill. I clearly remember what I said. It wasn’t planned, it wasn't witty or cool, it simply came out: "Huh, uh." If that doesn’t make sense, picture what one says when they shake their head left-right when the mean "No." I wasn’t having any more of this. I was able to get Andy’s arm back into what was roughly the starting position. We stayed like that for a short time. I started to speak the words of George. "On the day I was born, all the nurses gathered round........" Andy knew what was coming from last year. He started to talk-along too and he was giving it everything he had. I must have been giving it 15/16's. When we both got to the part of "They could tell right away that I was bad to the bone," I moved my fingers a little closer to my thumb. I didn’t jerk. I applied every ounce of strength that I had and slowly pulled Andy’s arm down onto the table. It was over.

We shook hands again & finished our beers. It was late...way late, and we’d all had enough. Brent, Howard, and Andy retired to their rooms. I BS’d with Lambert for a minute or so & finally called it a night. I thanked Lambert (and the others) for "betting" against me on the last match. It likely helped.

Chapter 32: Departure

Lambert left slightly before 6:00 am. He had relatives that he planned to visit in the southern part of Ohio. I planned on going back to sleep, but I didn’t. I got up and started making coffee. When I turned on the lights, and looked at the Fritos all over the table, it made my arm hurt a little more than it already did. I will say it wasn’t nearly as bad as last year. I cleaned up the room & packed up all my stuff & loaded it into the Dodge tow rig. Brent was already gone...not sure when he left. I said goodbye to Howard & Andy. I didn’t see Jim and LuAnne that morning...they may not have been in the mood to speak to the yahoos that made noise until the wee hours of Sunday AM. With Brad driving his Chevy tow rig, and yours truly driving the Dodge, we pulled out at 8:15 am.

Chapter 33: The Drive Home

Brad and I drove about 70 miles from the hotel and stopped for fuel. I followed Brad until roughly the place we had met three days ago. He took his exit ramp, and I continued on. I kept the truck out of overdrive for nearly all of the trip and let the 5.7 Hemi sing it’s song between 3100 and 3500 rpm depending on speed. I averaged 8.0 miles per gallon for the trip. I arrived home a little after 1:00 pm on Sunday November 8, 2009. I was glad to make it home & see my family: My wife Valerie, Bowser the Beagle, Sadie the German Shepherd, and Cat the Cat. I was happy that the Bears game was on TV, but bummed that they immediately started getting their behinds kicked. I took a brief nap on the couch.

Chapter 34: Buford & Friends

Later in the evening, I unloaded Buford from the trailer & backed him into the garage. I thought back to random moments over the past four days. It made me smile. Good friends & good memories. As I walked out of the garage & hit the button to lower the door, I took an extra long glance at the Ford. "Thanks old buddy, you made me proud."

The end.
REH 11-11-2009

[78Buford]

138 pictures (stolen from Brent & Lambert) are in the link below. They are named by the driver of the rig & obstacle:

http://s47.photobucket.com/albums/f1...009/?start=all


Pictures taken by Bryan Rinnert. He is a professional photographer and our site’s webmaster: http://www.ohio4x4.com/forum/album.php?albumid=12

[boomhauer]

holy cow crap...that took me like an hour read. i would hate to have seen the unabridged version of this story as it would have taken a pack of smokes and most of the day i am thinking.